I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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