I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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