Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
