i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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