I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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