Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
