Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Randomize
