you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
