I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
