you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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