I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
