I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
