You really coming over, don't trick.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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