If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
