were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
