i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
