I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
