WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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