I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
