There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
