I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
