I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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