btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
