if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
