so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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