you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
