Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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