I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
