Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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