I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
50% drunk capacity currently
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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