He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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