i jhust puked up my retainher.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
