Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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