yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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