i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
