guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
