officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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