I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
