well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
