I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
