you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
