Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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