He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
