Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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