My brain says no but my pants say off.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
