i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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