I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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