i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
