now i know why i became what i already was.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
