I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
